Fears

***WARNING*** This is going to be one of those blog entries that aren't happy but as I have previously stated this is a journal of mine to track everything that is going on in this process!!

Last night I was watching one of my favorite TV shows of all time, Greys Anatomy, and there was a lot of dying on the show last night. A truck load of kids got hit by a semi on their college graduation day and all but one of them died.

Because of watching the show my mind started to go wild and I really started to think of death. Not the happiest thing to think about when lying in bed trying to go to sleep. I've always kind of had a fear of dying, I have so many dreams, wishes, and hopes for the future that I really want to accomplish and in the back of my mind I fear that I won't be able to accomplish all of them. Well the show really reinforced my fear - all these college graduates got killed before they got to accomplish their dreams and their future. What happens if I were to be deployed and be killed and was unable to accomplish the goals I have set my for life; or even scarier what if I was deployed and something happened where I had to kill someone else who because of me doesn't get to accomplish what they set out to do in life. How do I live with the fact that I may end up killing someone in war? I realize that its either kill or be killed but its still such a hard reality that really set in last night!